I wonder if I will get a reply?
Sir,
I am sure that you, like I, will appreciate the irony in the fact that it has taken your website, one dedicated to literature and the spoken word, with its claimed array of ten thousand books, to finally shatter my faith in the English language: our glorious mother tongue, the toolbox of great writers such as Shakespeare and Milton, the aural palette of great poets, such as Shelley, Tennyson, Dr. Seuss and Keats.
Always, until now, I had supposed that its diversity, its adaptability, its sheer depth and breadth made our language equal to any challenge put before it, but sadly, no more. It makes me feel traitorous to admit it, but even with the whole sweeping expanse of words and phrases; verbs, adverbs and adjectives; nouns and pronouns to draw from, the language is just not equipped to adequately convey the feelings of contempt and frustration that your computer software has instilled within me.
For a start, the idea that one even needs special software to use the product is not immediately apparent. It is, I confess, mentioned at the bottom of your home page, but should one, as did I, choose to sign up before scrolling all the way down, then it is entirely possible not to discover that one is compelled to use this software until after one has already purchased one’s first titles.
However, at this stage one is still blithely unconcerned. If one has to download the software, then so be it. How difficult can it be, one asks oneself? Oh dear. One soon finds out, but only when it is too late.
The mere fact that the F.A.Q. index alone covers seven pages, detailing over 130 topics, answers that question as eloquently as one could wish. But, alas, who looks at the F.A.Q. before one downloads the software?
This strategy is, of course, even cleverer than is immediately apparent, containing, as it does, its own cast-iron defence. One can just hear the defence Lawyer in the court: “Oh, come now, Mr. Victim, how can you possibly complain about my Client’s software not being fit for the purpose, when you were fully aware of this before you purchased the product? You cannot possibly expect this court to accept that you believed for a moment that any product with an F.A.Q. openly advertising that you are likely to be confused by it on no less than 136 separate occasions was anything other than crap right from the start.” Q.E.D. Case dismissed, and probably with costs awarded. Quite brilliant.
But, by this time, with one’s £17 already committed, one leaps hopefully into the F.A.Q. jungle only immediately to fall foul of the first major flaw. It might perhaps be logical to have listed the questions in some sort of chronological order, starting, say, with “How many hours, days or weeks of my life should I set aside to have any hope of completing an Installation in one sitting” and then running through the possible questions in the order in which they are likely to occur, right the way through to “Can you recommend a good on-line supplier of anti-depressants?”
But, no; whilst that might be the logical way to do it, the actual method is to scatter the questions randomly throughout the entire document, possibly in the hope that the customer will derive additional excitement from the treasure-hunt aspect of the exercise.
Once one has found one's topic, or what has been cunningly disguised to look as if it might be one's topic, one then finds that it, too, contains yet more alternative options, leaving one to guess which, if any, is actually going to solve one’s problem.
At this point, I do have to acknowledge the sheer Machiavellian brilliance of some of these answers. My particular favourite is the one that tells you what to do if you cannot even establish a link with the server to download or activate parts of the software.
(This is naturally Question #62 on page 4 of the F.A.Q. – because, of course, you are bound to encounter 61 other problems before you have even completed downloading the programme… However, I digress.)
This particular answer tells you to open the software and click on “Tools” and then “Change Internet Settings”.
Reasonable enough, one might think, apart from the fact that there is no “Tools” button on the task bar. This is sheer quality because, of course, the poor victim will inevitably spend a considerable amount of time looking for one. “The F.A.Q. says it is there, therefore it must be there.”
And so, even though it patently is not there, one spends an eternity clicking everything in sight, in the vain hope that the “Tools” tab might thus be revealed.
I trust that the programme does contain some sort of spy ware, by which your IT technicians are alerted to the fact that someone, somewhere has clicked F.A.Q. #62 so that they can all gather round a monitor and watch live as the poor sap plays “hunt the ‘Tools’ button”?
If not, I am sadly disappointed, as they are definitely missing a trick. (I also assume that they run a sweepstake on how long each player will last, and I would like to put my entry in at 17 minutes.)
(Incidentally, you might suggest to your marketing department that if they were to introduce a range of small waxen images of your IT technicians, they will surely become a rapid best seller. I do not wish any credit or commission for this idea. The knowledge that it will have brought joy to countless others will be reward enough.)
And so, my book remains unheard. If my current plan of sacrificing a small chicken to the computer gods fails to bring relief; and if I remain unable to discern which of the 136 questions actually contains the hidden information that the software will only work if you activate it by the light of a new moon whilst wearing a blue lycra codpiece and singing the Lithuanian National Anthem, then it will continue to do so. (And I feel sorry for female users who will look even more ridiculous in a blue lycra codpiece than will I).
The idea behind your product is a good one – and one that, if it worked, I would recommend to several of my acquaintances who would, I know, use it extensively. As it is, however, once I have finished writing this letter, I am going to enrol at a University, do a degree in journalism, take employment with a computer services magazine and work my way up to a place from whence I can write damning reviews of your site to be read by all and sundry.
Why?
Because it will be considerably easier, quicker and far less stressful than trying to download and listen to one of your damned books.
I remain, Sir, your obedient servant.
M.A.D.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Not a good week
Well, it has been a crap week. Bugger all exercise done, and eating habits not good.
I am off to another battling weekend this weekend, and after that, things are going to settle down, including doing a lot more riding.
I am not, however, looking forward to weighing myself on Tuesday when I get back. I didn’t even get around to weighing myself this week – which just goes to show how hectic it was…
Note to self: Must do better…
I am off to another battling weekend this weekend, and after that, things are going to settle down, including doing a lot more riding.
I am not, however, looking forward to weighing myself on Tuesday when I get back. I didn’t even get around to weighing myself this week – which just goes to show how hectic it was…
Note to self: Must do better…
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Back again...
Well, I’m back, and I will write more later about the trip and the party, but the problems about the phone were just something else.
After what I wrote on Thursday about changing the tariff, on Friday morning at 8.00 am, they disconnected the phone.
Now this is something that I had specifically said should not happen, but unfortunately the munchkin at the other end, not only failed to comprehend this and pressed the wrong buttons, but he pressed them in such a comprehensively wrong way that he then “lost” the account.
I was trying to change the account from business to residential. He terminated the business tariff but failed to activate the residential tariff, and the problem with this is that business helpline assistants can only access business accounts and residential helpline assistants can only access residential accounts and because of what this gut did, the account now fitted into neither category.
I discovered that the phone was cut off about half-nine Friday morning. At 10 am, I had assurance from BT that it would be on by lunch. At lunch they said it would be on by tea-time. At tea-time it would be on by the morning.
The next day, the same programme. By Saturday evening I have probably talked to twenty to thirty different people and accumulated at least two or three hours of on-hold time.
On Sunday, they weren’t even open, so I got a day of rest.
Half-eight Monday morning I made a breakthrough. Instead of ringing faults or customer service I rang the complaints line. Complaints are obviously given more attention than faults or service. Within two hours he had the account back up.
But the real irony? He had re-instated it as a business line, so after hours of effort and days of disconnection, I was right back exactly where I had started.
After what I wrote on Thursday about changing the tariff, on Friday morning at 8.00 am, they disconnected the phone.
Now this is something that I had specifically said should not happen, but unfortunately the munchkin at the other end, not only failed to comprehend this and pressed the wrong buttons, but he pressed them in such a comprehensively wrong way that he then “lost” the account.
I was trying to change the account from business to residential. He terminated the business tariff but failed to activate the residential tariff, and the problem with this is that business helpline assistants can only access business accounts and residential helpline assistants can only access residential accounts and because of what this gut did, the account now fitted into neither category.
I discovered that the phone was cut off about half-nine Friday morning. At 10 am, I had assurance from BT that it would be on by lunch. At lunch they said it would be on by tea-time. At tea-time it would be on by the morning.
The next day, the same programme. By Saturday evening I have probably talked to twenty to thirty different people and accumulated at least two or three hours of on-hold time.
On Sunday, they weren’t even open, so I got a day of rest.
Half-eight Monday morning I made a breakthrough. Instead of ringing faults or customer service I rang the complaints line. Complaints are obviously given more attention than faults or service. Within two hours he had the account back up.
But the real irony? He had re-instated it as a business line, so after hours of effort and days of disconnection, I was right back exactly where I had started.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
So, another day, another salad. Did my exercises today, no sweat. Well, actually, quite a lot of sweat, but that’s a good thing, right?
Oh, gawd, whilst I am trying to type this, I am also trying to deal with British Telecom, and the stress and hair that I am pulling out whilst doing so is bound to help me lose weight.
All I am trying to do is take a phone number off a business tariff and put it onto a residential tariff. That’s all, no change of address, customer or anything – yet you would think that I was asking them to cure avian flu or land a man on Mars. And, to cap it all, I’m getting thoroughly sick of their damned on-hold muzak. Can’t think why, I’ve only been listening to it for over an hour!!!
So, anyway, I went shopping last night, and I decide that I was going to have to convert myself into one of that mysterious and inexplicable group of people who think that celery is a good thing to eat.
There is this myth, which may even be true, for all I know, that celery is a magical substance that actually costs more energy to digest than it actually contains. Well, I mean to say, if that’s true, then I really need to be getting myself some of that.
You see, fruit is all very well, but every now and then, I crave for something savoury to snack on. Currently my nibble of choice is hard—boiled eggs. However, too many of these cannot be good for one, so I thought that celery, being more of a vegetable than a fruit, and therefore not really sweet, it ought to be the snack of choice for me; especially with it’s miraculous fat reducing properties.
The trouble is that the bloody stuff is disgusting. Now I don’t mean just “not very nice”; I mean actually nasty. I am a person who will eat almost anything. There are a number of foods that I am pretty indifferent about and won’t buy, but there are very few things that I actually dislike the taste of – and celery is one of them.
I have tried, and tried hard, but celery just tastes nasty. I don’t know if you have ever tried, but describing a taste is actually a very difficult thing to do. So, in the interests of literature I am actually forcing myself to eat a piece of celery as I write, just so that you, dear reader, can have the benefit of understanding just exactly what is wrong with it.
For a start, it is actually quite sweet, but that isn’t really to be held against it - onions are very sweet. But as well as the sweetness, you also get, along with the relatively unpleasant crunchy-stringy texture and squirt of tepid celery juice, a rather nasty bitter taste that attacks the back of your tongue. All in all, it’s pretty much what you would expect a parking ticket to taste of, and not, in any way, a good gastronomic adventure.
So, miraculous thin-making qualities notwithstanding, I will not be converting to the ranks of the celeriphiles. This doesn’t make me a bad person, even if it might make me a fatter one…
Oh, yes, and by the way, I am going to Scotland tomorrow for my parents 50th wedding anniversary party, so I probably won't be posting here until tuesday.
Oh, gawd, whilst I am trying to type this, I am also trying to deal with British Telecom, and the stress and hair that I am pulling out whilst doing so is bound to help me lose weight.
All I am trying to do is take a phone number off a business tariff and put it onto a residential tariff. That’s all, no change of address, customer or anything – yet you would think that I was asking them to cure avian flu or land a man on Mars. And, to cap it all, I’m getting thoroughly sick of their damned on-hold muzak. Can’t think why, I’ve only been listening to it for over an hour!!!
So, anyway, I went shopping last night, and I decide that I was going to have to convert myself into one of that mysterious and inexplicable group of people who think that celery is a good thing to eat.
There is this myth, which may even be true, for all I know, that celery is a magical substance that actually costs more energy to digest than it actually contains. Well, I mean to say, if that’s true, then I really need to be getting myself some of that.
You see, fruit is all very well, but every now and then, I crave for something savoury to snack on. Currently my nibble of choice is hard—boiled eggs. However, too many of these cannot be good for one, so I thought that celery, being more of a vegetable than a fruit, and therefore not really sweet, it ought to be the snack of choice for me; especially with it’s miraculous fat reducing properties.
The trouble is that the bloody stuff is disgusting. Now I don’t mean just “not very nice”; I mean actually nasty. I am a person who will eat almost anything. There are a number of foods that I am pretty indifferent about and won’t buy, but there are very few things that I actually dislike the taste of – and celery is one of them.
I have tried, and tried hard, but celery just tastes nasty. I don’t know if you have ever tried, but describing a taste is actually a very difficult thing to do. So, in the interests of literature I am actually forcing myself to eat a piece of celery as I write, just so that you, dear reader, can have the benefit of understanding just exactly what is wrong with it.
For a start, it is actually quite sweet, but that isn’t really to be held against it - onions are very sweet. But as well as the sweetness, you also get, along with the relatively unpleasant crunchy-stringy texture and squirt of tepid celery juice, a rather nasty bitter taste that attacks the back of your tongue. All in all, it’s pretty much what you would expect a parking ticket to taste of, and not, in any way, a good gastronomic adventure.
So, miraculous thin-making qualities notwithstanding, I will not be converting to the ranks of the celeriphiles. This doesn’t make me a bad person, even if it might make me a fatter one…
Oh, yes, and by the way, I am going to Scotland tomorrow for my parents 50th wedding anniversary party, so I probably won't be posting here until tuesday.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
More progress
Back on track today, and guess what. I weighed in at 15st, 4lbs (that’s 214lbs American. Haven’t got the foggiest what it is in kilos, but I’m sure one could work it out if one really wanted to…). That is a loss of 3lbs, which is most gratifying.
What I have to do now is keep it up – and particularly not fall into the “complacency trap”. Very easy to get the idea that it’s all plain sailing from here on in, relax and then fail to lose any more or, even worse, put weight back on.
Just got to keep on going. The magic goal of being less than 15st is in sight.
Exercise was good this morning. Not quite as good as Friday, but still better than previously.
All in all, a good report.
What I have to do now is keep it up – and particularly not fall into the “complacency trap”. Very easy to get the idea that it’s all plain sailing from here on in, relax and then fail to lose any more or, even worse, put weight back on.
Just got to keep on going. The magic goal of being less than 15st is in sight.
Exercise was good this morning. Not quite as good as Friday, but still better than previously.
All in all, a good report.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
A quick update...
Had a good battling weekend. Did not eat a lot, did a fair amount of activity and drank a lot. (Also smoked a few ciggies. Tut, tut, naughty me. I’m back off them again, now, though…)
Didn’t do my exercise routine yesterday (Mon) because I was busy, busy, busy (and also, when I am being honest, knackered and idle).
Didn’t do it this morning because I was up at 4.30 to go and pick a friend up from the airport and am not likely to do it this evening because I am going out. (And again, I am being idle – I could have forced it in, had I been really determined.)
Should be back on track for tomorrow morning, though.
Foodwise, I haven’t been too bad, although I did have a fry-up at lunch-time today. However, this fits in with my “I-should-be-able-to-eat-normal-meals-when-invited-to-other-people’s-houses” philosophy. It should be enough to eat more sensibly most of the time and exercise more most of the time…
I hope…
I wonder what I will weigh tomorrow morning…?
Didn’t do my exercise routine yesterday (Mon) because I was busy, busy, busy (and also, when I am being honest, knackered and idle).
Didn’t do it this morning because I was up at 4.30 to go and pick a friend up from the airport and am not likely to do it this evening because I am going out. (And again, I am being idle – I could have forced it in, had I been really determined.)
Should be back on track for tomorrow morning, though.
Foodwise, I haven’t been too bad, although I did have a fry-up at lunch-time today. However, this fits in with my “I-should-be-able-to-eat-normal-meals-when-invited-to-other-people’s-houses” philosophy. It should be enough to eat more sensibly most of the time and exercise more most of the time…
I hope…
I wonder what I will weigh tomorrow morning…?
Friday, August 11, 2006
Feeling better
Got up this morning (a struggle) and actually enjoyed my exercise this morning (yay!). Could have something to do with the Chinese take-away that I shared with some friends last night though. More energy in the old system? Not sure. I’ll have to see how it goes after the weekend.
Yep. I’m off for the weekend again. This will involve a lot of riding, a lot of drinking and a certain amount of eating unhealthy food. Shall I say what I’m doing? Yeah, why not? I will be riding cavalry in a battle re-enactment – something that I have been doing for over 20 years now. Of all the things I do, and, believe me, I fill my life, these weekends give me the most pleasure.
So I won’t be back until Monday to see whether the exercise is as enjoyable.
On Monday, I also have to go to Gatwick Airport to pick up a friend who is flying in from South America. Well, that’s gonna be fun. Hey ho – life goes on. Fuck ‘em – that’s what I say.
Other news, I have just joined the digital era. I have invested in a set-top-box for my TV. This means that instead of just the big five terrestrial channels, I can now pick up the free digital channels as well. Hmm, now for someone who hardly watches any TV, this might seem like an odd thing to do.
However, my reasoning goes that, as I was saying previously, if I want to stop getting bored whilst on the cross-trainer, I need stuff to watch. This little gizmo doesn’t just pick up the programmes; it also has a built-in hard drive that will record up to 40 hours of programmes, so that I can be sure of having something to watch when I want to watch it.
Now this didn’t come cheap. Instead of the 40-odd quid that a set-top box usually costs, this one cost a hundred and forty. However, that said, it didn’t really, because I used my Tesco clubcard vouchers to buy it.
(Tesco being a supermarket, and Clubcard being its loyalty reward scheme. Each quarter, they send you vouchers based on one penny per pound spent. These last for two years. I tend to hoard them for two years and then buy something that I wouldn’t normally buy. This time, the two years worth had amounted to over £240, so I bought the set top box. The previous time, I spent £100 worth on a dual DVD/VCR recorder. What will I buy next time? Who knows…?)
So there we go. Off for the w/e. Back Mon.
Yep. I’m off for the weekend again. This will involve a lot of riding, a lot of drinking and a certain amount of eating unhealthy food. Shall I say what I’m doing? Yeah, why not? I will be riding cavalry in a battle re-enactment – something that I have been doing for over 20 years now. Of all the things I do, and, believe me, I fill my life, these weekends give me the most pleasure.
So I won’t be back until Monday to see whether the exercise is as enjoyable.
On Monday, I also have to go to Gatwick Airport to pick up a friend who is flying in from South America. Well, that’s gonna be fun. Hey ho – life goes on. Fuck ‘em – that’s what I say.
Other news, I have just joined the digital era. I have invested in a set-top-box for my TV. This means that instead of just the big five terrestrial channels, I can now pick up the free digital channels as well. Hmm, now for someone who hardly watches any TV, this might seem like an odd thing to do.
However, my reasoning goes that, as I was saying previously, if I want to stop getting bored whilst on the cross-trainer, I need stuff to watch. This little gizmo doesn’t just pick up the programmes; it also has a built-in hard drive that will record up to 40 hours of programmes, so that I can be sure of having something to watch when I want to watch it.
Now this didn’t come cheap. Instead of the 40-odd quid that a set-top box usually costs, this one cost a hundred and forty. However, that said, it didn’t really, because I used my Tesco clubcard vouchers to buy it.
(Tesco being a supermarket, and Clubcard being its loyalty reward scheme. Each quarter, they send you vouchers based on one penny per pound spent. These last for two years. I tend to hoard them for two years and then buy something that I wouldn’t normally buy. This time, the two years worth had amounted to over £240, so I bought the set top box. The previous time, I spent £100 worth on a dual DVD/VCR recorder. What will I buy next time? Who knows…?)
So there we go. Off for the w/e. Back Mon.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Another day, another workout. Did my routine again, this morning, but once again, I just did not want to. That optimistic post I wrote the other day about starting to understand why fit people like exercise is seems a long way away.
Oddly enough, I don’t mind exercise for a purpose. I will quite happily ride for hours when I am working, and I will walk up and down hills in Scotland all day, if I am “doing something” – but the idea of going for a ride “for pleasure” or just going up a hill “because it’s there” leaves me totally cold.
I suppose it’s part of the thing where if you spend a lot of your time out in the countryside, then being out in the countryside looses its bonus value. Lots of people tell me that they like running or riding because it gests them out in the fresh air, out in the countryside. Well, whoopee-doo. I much prefer working out on a machine where I can watch TV or a video. One of the things I find worst about exercise is the mind-numbing tedium of it. It’s about the only time I spend not using my brain for anything, and I get bored real quick. So, I video things I want to watch but don’t have time for, and then watch them during exercise time, when my mind has nothing to do. Two birds, one stone.
I have virtually given up drinking alcohol. I hardly ever drink any at home now – I seldom did, but every now and then, maybe once a week, I might have had a whisky or a beer. Since starting this little exercise, I have not had a drink at home at all – until last night when I had a bottle of cider. I do still drink a bit when I’m out, and not driving, and cider is my drink of preference. I will be taking a few bottles to an event I’m going to this weekend, and I wanted to try the Magners Irish bottled cider. (It’s pretty good, by the way…)
All in all, though, I have not found stopping drinking much trouble. Bit like smoking, really…
Oddly enough, I don’t mind exercise for a purpose. I will quite happily ride for hours when I am working, and I will walk up and down hills in Scotland all day, if I am “doing something” – but the idea of going for a ride “for pleasure” or just going up a hill “because it’s there” leaves me totally cold.
I suppose it’s part of the thing where if you spend a lot of your time out in the countryside, then being out in the countryside looses its bonus value. Lots of people tell me that they like running or riding because it gests them out in the fresh air, out in the countryside. Well, whoopee-doo. I much prefer working out on a machine where I can watch TV or a video. One of the things I find worst about exercise is the mind-numbing tedium of it. It’s about the only time I spend not using my brain for anything, and I get bored real quick. So, I video things I want to watch but don’t have time for, and then watch them during exercise time, when my mind has nothing to do. Two birds, one stone.
I have virtually given up drinking alcohol. I hardly ever drink any at home now – I seldom did, but every now and then, maybe once a week, I might have had a whisky or a beer. Since starting this little exercise, I have not had a drink at home at all – until last night when I had a bottle of cider. I do still drink a bit when I’m out, and not driving, and cider is my drink of preference. I will be taking a few bottles to an event I’m going to this weekend, and I wanted to try the Magners Irish bottled cider. (It’s pretty good, by the way…)
All in all, though, I have not found stopping drinking much trouble. Bit like smoking, really…
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
I'm back
Well, it’s been a few days since I posted here, but I’ve been a busy boy – so I will sit here, drinking the juice of two grapefruit (one pink, one yellow) mixed with two teaspoons of psyllium husks. I’m really getting quite into these psyllium husks. They don’t taste of much, but what they do taste of ain’t too bad. The old digestion is ticketty-boo, too. Anyway…
Ok, so on Friday afternoon about 4pm, I was sitting in the office deciding what I would do with last (at that time, “this”) weekend. On the spur of the moment, I thought “What the f***, I’ll go back to Scotland.
So, an hour later, I had loaded the car and the pooch and off I went. Now, some people tell me that I am crazy to drive to Scotland for the weekend, but personally, I don’t see it. If I leave at 5 in the afternoon, I can be there by 2 in the morning. That then gives me two whole days in Scotland to play around, and then I can do the same on the way home. Seeing as the 5 ‘til two slot is only really spent doing crap stuff like going out, watching telly and getting an early night, I don’t think its too bad to swap these for two days on the beeeyootiful West Coast.
Had a good day on the Saturday because it was the local Agricultural Show. I met up with out Farm Manager, and we spent most of the afternoon propping up the bar in the Beer Tent and chatting to the people we know who were passing through. I was on diet coke, but it was a good do none the less. The FM was on vodka and water – and extraordinary (and extraordinarily disgusting) combination that I have never come across before.
Also met up with an old friend who I used to work with when I was on the farm, who is an extremely good accordion player. He spent a fair bit of time propping up the bar with us.
I am glad to be able to report that the bar did not fall over once during the entire afternoon, so our efforts were not wasted.
Took the FM to a local restaurant where he was meeting his wife, and got dragged off to join a table whilst we waited by a local farmers wife. She was three-sheets to the wind, as was her husband, who spent the whole time giving me the eye. “Hmm”, thought I, “This guy is going to get up and take a swing at me any minute”. Gawd knows why? Maybe he thought I was flirting with his missus (I wasn’t) or maybe he just didn’t like the colour of my shoes, but every now and then I looked over and saw him just staring at me.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a guy of a certain size, and I have done a fair amount of Martial Arts in my time – plus, I was stone cold sober and he was swaying in his chair. I wasn’t really worried about the physical outcome if he did take a swing at me, but the political outcome would have been less good. So, when FM’s wifey arrived, I made my excuses and left.
That evening I went to the local tourist-tavern because my friend the accordion-player was doing his stuff there. Not the sort of stuff that I would normally choose – very touristy – but interesting none the less.
It was also made interesting by the fact that I had the waitress come up partway through the evening and say “the Lady over there would like to buy you a drink” Now, I though that only happened in rather corny Hollywood movies, but no, it happened to me at the weekend. Despite the fact that I didn’t really want yet another diet coke, I had one, to be polite, and spent an interesting time chatting to the very attractive blonde lass who had sent it.
Hmm. Just goes to show that even if Mr BMI thinks that I am borderline obese, I have still got what it takes. Ha! Up yours, Mr BMI!
The next day, I spent on the farm with the Farm Manager looking at various things that one might do in order to try to make a Scottish Hill Sheep and Cattle farm into a profitable operation. More yomping over the hills involved, which is good on the exercise front.
Drove home overnight on Sunday/Monday. My knackered ankle was giving me gyp on Monday and Tuesday. Not sure why, but I think It might have been spending 10 hours pressing the accelerator.
What with that, and a lie in on Tuesday morning to catch up on sleep, the exercise got left out a fair bit over the last few days, but I am back on track today. Huzzah!
Also, I am down to 15st, 7lbs. Another pound off. I would prefer to lose it a bit quicker than 1lb per week, but at least that’s going down not up. Yay!
Ok, so on Friday afternoon about 4pm, I was sitting in the office deciding what I would do with last (at that time, “this”) weekend. On the spur of the moment, I thought “What the f***, I’ll go back to Scotland.
So, an hour later, I had loaded the car and the pooch and off I went. Now, some people tell me that I am crazy to drive to Scotland for the weekend, but personally, I don’t see it. If I leave at 5 in the afternoon, I can be there by 2 in the morning. That then gives me two whole days in Scotland to play around, and then I can do the same on the way home. Seeing as the 5 ‘til two slot is only really spent doing crap stuff like going out, watching telly and getting an early night, I don’t think its too bad to swap these for two days on the beeeyootiful West Coast.
Had a good day on the Saturday because it was the local Agricultural Show. I met up with out Farm Manager, and we spent most of the afternoon propping up the bar in the Beer Tent and chatting to the people we know who were passing through. I was on diet coke, but it was a good do none the less. The FM was on vodka and water – and extraordinary (and extraordinarily disgusting) combination that I have never come across before.
Also met up with an old friend who I used to work with when I was on the farm, who is an extremely good accordion player. He spent a fair bit of time propping up the bar with us.
I am glad to be able to report that the bar did not fall over once during the entire afternoon, so our efforts were not wasted.
Took the FM to a local restaurant where he was meeting his wife, and got dragged off to join a table whilst we waited by a local farmers wife. She was three-sheets to the wind, as was her husband, who spent the whole time giving me the eye. “Hmm”, thought I, “This guy is going to get up and take a swing at me any minute”. Gawd knows why? Maybe he thought I was flirting with his missus (I wasn’t) or maybe he just didn’t like the colour of my shoes, but every now and then I looked over and saw him just staring at me.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a guy of a certain size, and I have done a fair amount of Martial Arts in my time – plus, I was stone cold sober and he was swaying in his chair. I wasn’t really worried about the physical outcome if he did take a swing at me, but the political outcome would have been less good. So, when FM’s wifey arrived, I made my excuses and left.
That evening I went to the local tourist-tavern because my friend the accordion-player was doing his stuff there. Not the sort of stuff that I would normally choose – very touristy – but interesting none the less.
It was also made interesting by the fact that I had the waitress come up partway through the evening and say “the Lady over there would like to buy you a drink” Now, I though that only happened in rather corny Hollywood movies, but no, it happened to me at the weekend. Despite the fact that I didn’t really want yet another diet coke, I had one, to be polite, and spent an interesting time chatting to the very attractive blonde lass who had sent it.
Hmm. Just goes to show that even if Mr BMI thinks that I am borderline obese, I have still got what it takes. Ha! Up yours, Mr BMI!
The next day, I spent on the farm with the Farm Manager looking at various things that one might do in order to try to make a Scottish Hill Sheep and Cattle farm into a profitable operation. More yomping over the hills involved, which is good on the exercise front.
Drove home overnight on Sunday/Monday. My knackered ankle was giving me gyp on Monday and Tuesday. Not sure why, but I think It might have been spending 10 hours pressing the accelerator.
What with that, and a lie in on Tuesday morning to catch up on sleep, the exercise got left out a fair bit over the last few days, but I am back on track today. Huzzah!
Also, I am down to 15st, 7lbs. Another pound off. I would prefer to lose it a bit quicker than 1lb per week, but at least that’s going down not up. Yay!
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Good news and bad news...
The good news? Well, I have always believed that I was classified as “obese”, which has a horrid ring to it.
Well, I have just discovered that I am only “overweight”. This is according to my BMI (Body Mass Index). My BMI is 28.8 and the “overweight” category runs from 25 to 29.9. So yayy! for that. (CDC BMI Calculator)
The bad news, however, is that in order to get to the “normal” category of BMI for my height, I would have to slim down to 13st 7lbs. That’s 2 whole stone!! OMG! I’d have to chainsaw a leg off to lose 2 stones…
Sheesh. Talk about a challenge…
Well, I have just discovered that I am only “overweight”. This is according to my BMI (Body Mass Index). My BMI is 28.8 and the “overweight” category runs from 25 to 29.9. So yayy! for that. (CDC BMI Calculator)
The bad news, however, is that in order to get to the “normal” category of BMI for my height, I would have to slim down to 13st 7lbs. That’s 2 whole stone!! OMG! I’d have to chainsaw a leg off to lose 2 stones…
Sheesh. Talk about a challenge…
Well, I did have a salad. Go me.
We will, however, draw a veil over the freshly baked bread slathered with butter that I had beforehand. Sigh. Well, it was there, and it would have been rude not to eat it. Fresh bread is yummy.
The salad seemed to be garnished with quite a large portion of chicken and bacon – but, that’s only garnish, so that doesn’t matter, right?
My old man used to have a theory that if you had lettuce with anything, it became a salad, and salad makes you loose weight. Fish and chip salad? No worries,
I am still having real problems getting out of bed in the morning. It really is like I have a split personality. In-bed-me just doesn’t care. In-bed-me just turns off the alarm clock, rolls over and goes back to sleep. It is a problem. I will have to think on it.
(Did get my morning routine done today, all the same, though…)
Discussing diet etc with a colleague today, and they we of the opinion that I wasn’t getting enough carbohydrate in my diet. This is true. Bread, potato and pasta just don’t feature. Is this a real problem? I will have to investigate.
Bread I don’t keep in the house. If I have bread, I just want to eat it. Sandwiches, bread and jam, bread and marmite. Ooo! Marmite. How can some people not like marmite? Marmite is just delicious.
As for potatoes, they take too long to cook. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like cooking and, if I say so myself, I am a pretty neat chef. However, I just can’t be bothered to cook for one.
Also, the best ways of cooking spuds are also the most fattening. I do however like all forms of potatoes – except one. Baked potatoes! God how I loathe baked potatoes!
Actually, that’s a lie, I am perfectly capable of eating a baked potato if someone feeds me one. I am polite like that. I will however, have to choke it down. They are just flavourless balls of mush surrounded by just as flavourless leathery skin – and what little flavour they do have isn’t particularly nice…
Oh no, I hear the baked-potatophiles cry, you can put all sorts of things on them to improve the flavour… Well, yes, indeed you can, but, so what? You could spread butter and cheese on a cork tablemat, but it wouldn’t actually make it good to eat. The undeniable fact is that whatever you put on a baked potato to improve the flavour would taste better if it didn’t have baked potato all around it – and I have never yet heard of a filling for a baked potato that wouldn’t taste infinitely better between two bits of bread.
And you know the real bummer? Being a chap of a certain stature, whenever I go to a barbecue or any sort of meal that involves baked-bloody-potatoes, the hostess always comes up and, with the air of one bestowing the riches of the world, thrusts a pap-laden dish under my nose with the words “I’ve saved the biggest one specially for you.” Oh, goody…
When I win the lottery, I am going to buy the Spud-U-Like chain of restaurants, just so that I can have the pleasure of closing the damned torture chambers down!
Anyway, so that’s why no carbs. I was, however, eating some Bulgur wheat in my salads. Maybe I will have to re-institute this.
We will, however, draw a veil over the freshly baked bread slathered with butter that I had beforehand. Sigh. Well, it was there, and it would have been rude not to eat it. Fresh bread is yummy.
The salad seemed to be garnished with quite a large portion of chicken and bacon – but, that’s only garnish, so that doesn’t matter, right?
My old man used to have a theory that if you had lettuce with anything, it became a salad, and salad makes you loose weight. Fish and chip salad? No worries,
I am still having real problems getting out of bed in the morning. It really is like I have a split personality. In-bed-me just doesn’t care. In-bed-me just turns off the alarm clock, rolls over and goes back to sleep. It is a problem. I will have to think on it.
(Did get my morning routine done today, all the same, though…)
Discussing diet etc with a colleague today, and they we of the opinion that I wasn’t getting enough carbohydrate in my diet. This is true. Bread, potato and pasta just don’t feature. Is this a real problem? I will have to investigate.
Bread I don’t keep in the house. If I have bread, I just want to eat it. Sandwiches, bread and jam, bread and marmite. Ooo! Marmite. How can some people not like marmite? Marmite is just delicious.
As for potatoes, they take too long to cook. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like cooking and, if I say so myself, I am a pretty neat chef. However, I just can’t be bothered to cook for one.
Also, the best ways of cooking spuds are also the most fattening. I do however like all forms of potatoes – except one. Baked potatoes! God how I loathe baked potatoes!
Actually, that’s a lie, I am perfectly capable of eating a baked potato if someone feeds me one. I am polite like that. I will however, have to choke it down. They are just flavourless balls of mush surrounded by just as flavourless leathery skin – and what little flavour they do have isn’t particularly nice…
Oh no, I hear the baked-potatophiles cry, you can put all sorts of things on them to improve the flavour… Well, yes, indeed you can, but, so what? You could spread butter and cheese on a cork tablemat, but it wouldn’t actually make it good to eat. The undeniable fact is that whatever you put on a baked potato to improve the flavour would taste better if it didn’t have baked potato all around it – and I have never yet heard of a filling for a baked potato that wouldn’t taste infinitely better between two bits of bread.
And you know the real bummer? Being a chap of a certain stature, whenever I go to a barbecue or any sort of meal that involves baked-bloody-potatoes, the hostess always comes up and, with the air of one bestowing the riches of the world, thrusts a pap-laden dish under my nose with the words “I’ve saved the biggest one specially for you.” Oh, goody…
When I win the lottery, I am going to buy the Spud-U-Like chain of restaurants, just so that I can have the pleasure of closing the damned torture chambers down!
Anyway, so that’s why no carbs. I was, however, eating some Bulgur wheat in my salads. Maybe I will have to re-institute this.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
It gets difficult to think of titles sometimes...
So, another day, another salad…
Well, actually, that ain’t technically true. Today I haven’t had a salad yet, but I will probably have one for dinner.
So, in the morning, I got up and had a glass of very weak Kombucha Cordial and some Psyllium husks. Yum, yum, yum. Worth getting out of bed for, you must surely agree. (Actually, to be totally honest, they ain’t that bad.)
Then on to the cross-trainer for a 30 minute blast. 10 minutes on setting 2, 5 minutes on setting 4, 10 minutes on setting 6 and then 5 minutes on setting 3. Seems to be pretty good at the moment. Gets me into a good sweat.
Then this is followed by crunches. Front, both sides and reverse. I have been doing 50 of each, but today I upped it to 100 off each, because I was not feeling any pressure with the 50 any more. For some reason, even though I do have something of a paunch, I have always had pretty strong gut muscles. Maybe it’s something to do with the horse riding – I don’t know.
While this lot is going ion I will drink at least a pint of water.
Then it’s off for a bath and a smoothie. This morning it was a nectarine, a banana, a handful of blueberries, half a dozen raspberries and four spoons of live low-fat yoghurt. Not bad.
Lunchtime was a couple of hard boiled eggs and some olives.
Now, I have just had another pint of water and some more yummy fibre stuff.
Later this evening, I am off to have supper with a friend who is going through some fairly hard times at the moment, so I am going to take her out for a meal and a couple of drinkie-poos. Well, I won’t be having the drinkie-poos, of course, because I am driving, but then again I’m not the one that needs them…
And when, I go out, I’m going to have a salad. Yes, indeed I am. Yup.
Well, actually, that ain’t technically true. Today I haven’t had a salad yet, but I will probably have one for dinner.
So, in the morning, I got up and had a glass of very weak Kombucha Cordial and some Psyllium husks. Yum, yum, yum. Worth getting out of bed for, you must surely agree. (Actually, to be totally honest, they ain’t that bad.)
Then on to the cross-trainer for a 30 minute blast. 10 minutes on setting 2, 5 minutes on setting 4, 10 minutes on setting 6 and then 5 minutes on setting 3. Seems to be pretty good at the moment. Gets me into a good sweat.
Then this is followed by crunches. Front, both sides and reverse. I have been doing 50 of each, but today I upped it to 100 off each, because I was not feeling any pressure with the 50 any more. For some reason, even though I do have something of a paunch, I have always had pretty strong gut muscles. Maybe it’s something to do with the horse riding – I don’t know.
While this lot is going ion I will drink at least a pint of water.
Then it’s off for a bath and a smoothie. This morning it was a nectarine, a banana, a handful of blueberries, half a dozen raspberries and four spoons of live low-fat yoghurt. Not bad.
Lunchtime was a couple of hard boiled eggs and some olives.
Now, I have just had another pint of water and some more yummy fibre stuff.
Later this evening, I am off to have supper with a friend who is going through some fairly hard times at the moment, so I am going to take her out for a meal and a couple of drinkie-poos. Well, I won’t be having the drinkie-poos, of course, because I am driving, but then again I’m not the one that needs them…
And when, I go out, I’m going to have a salad. Yes, indeed I am. Yup.
Back from the north...
Well, it’s been a while since my last entry, but this is because I’ve been away from the computer, not because I’m giving up. A long weekend spent in sunny Scotland, with my parents. Marvellous.
Weighed myself this morning. Back down to 15st 8lbs. Well, it’s better than 15st 9lbs, but it’s not exactly going to win me any slimmer of the year awards.
That said, however, my belt seems to be looser. Note to self: remember to get a tape measure and start measuring size as well as weight.
No! Not that sort of size. Clean your mind out! That is definitely not the sort of measuring that I have in mind, not least because the rule seems to be measure in centimetres and claim that it’s inches… I mean, where the heck do some of these guys measure from? Their Knee? Their Coccyx? Half way up their back?
Anywayyyy, moving swiftly on, I had a good weekend in Scotland. Went to a local Highland Games on the Saturday afternoon and to a folk festival in the evening. It has to be said, traditional Scottish country music rocks, big style. There were all sorts of people at the festival and all sorts of bands – but the one that got everyone together and got them jumping was the traditional ceileidh band. Five young lads (fiddle, pipes, accordion, guitar and drums) playing traditional music fast and furious. Brilliant.
Walked in the hills on Sunday. Lots of uppey-downey stuff and worked up a good sweat, so hopefully that will have counted as exercise. Spent all day Monday and Friday in the car, so no exercise, but also did not eat much, so all in all, should not have been too much of a gain.
Got up and did my routine this morning. Boy, oh boy, did I not want to? No, I didn’t! I absolutely, bloody hated it. Felt fairly righteous when I had done it, but my lying-in-bed self did not want to yield possession of the body this morning.
If I could find some way to assassinate lying-in-bed self, then this would all be a lot easier.
Weighed myself this morning. Back down to 15st 8lbs. Well, it’s better than 15st 9lbs, but it’s not exactly going to win me any slimmer of the year awards.
That said, however, my belt seems to be looser. Note to self: remember to get a tape measure and start measuring size as well as weight.
No! Not that sort of size. Clean your mind out! That is definitely not the sort of measuring that I have in mind, not least because the rule seems to be measure in centimetres and claim that it’s inches… I mean, where the heck do some of these guys measure from? Their Knee? Their Coccyx? Half way up their back?
Anywayyyy, moving swiftly on, I had a good weekend in Scotland. Went to a local Highland Games on the Saturday afternoon and to a folk festival in the evening. It has to be said, traditional Scottish country music rocks, big style. There were all sorts of people at the festival and all sorts of bands – but the one that got everyone together and got them jumping was the traditional ceileidh band. Five young lads (fiddle, pipes, accordion, guitar and drums) playing traditional music fast and furious. Brilliant.
Walked in the hills on Sunday. Lots of uppey-downey stuff and worked up a good sweat, so hopefully that will have counted as exercise. Spent all day Monday and Friday in the car, so no exercise, but also did not eat much, so all in all, should not have been too much of a gain.
Got up and did my routine this morning. Boy, oh boy, did I not want to? No, I didn’t! I absolutely, bloody hated it. Felt fairly righteous when I had done it, but my lying-in-bed self did not want to yield possession of the body this morning.
If I could find some way to assassinate lying-in-bed self, then this would all be a lot easier.
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